What It All Meant

by Rob Russell

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1.
If This Hurts Now 05:03
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Let go and behold Save the stories that you never told Don't lose sleep for others Just hide under the covers And my eyes are glued I'll keep two eyes on you If this hurts now Think of what might gut you later If this hurts now Think of what might gut you later If this hurts now Think of what might gut you later If this hurts now.. I got two eyes on you. Dream of everyone That you've lost before Who do you wanna see most again? The ghosts in your head Who used to share your bed? Some words take years to hurt And that's cause for concern But bruises cant heal If you never really had them You're growing numb But its only novocaine In some skewed sense You had the picket fence With nothing at stake And no one to blame. If this hurts now Think of what might gut you later If this hurts now Think of what might gut you later If this hurts now Think of what might gut you later If this hurts now Think of what might gut you later I cut it down But I get you now. I was gonna cut it down. But I get you I get you I get you now.
2.
I Used to Be in a Band 04:18
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One step back. My relapse. One more weekend Of barely breathing. You think I'd know better Enjoy the Fall weather Maybe next weekend I'll work on my breathing. I used to be in a band Now I just make end's meet You used to be in my band Now you just sell cocaine When I found myself Full of doubt I just closed off my heart And I closed my mouth. I found some fear Through all the vanity And that special place in Hell And my sanity. When I'm home I'll let go Mom always told me You need to be present. To keep your future.. You won't lose her I've been moving forward From a lifetime behind I used to be in a band Now I just make end's meet You used to be in my band Now you just sell cocaine It was easy then To be easy on the eyes But I guess we all go gray And it's harder now When you fall down But I guess we still feel the same. I'd write my songs And all the places I'd go But I never made it out of here Or to the radio. So busy It's so lame I let myself go And worked it all away. I'd write my songs And all the places I'd go But I never made it out of here Or to the radio. I'd write my songs And all the places I'd go But I never made it out of here Or to the radio. But I never made it out of here Or to the radio. But I never made it out of here Or to the radio.
3.
Lockjaw 04:35
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Straight and narrow With your wasted arrows And you can take them back They're no longer my marrow And now no more Will I blame you. My chest was bursting And that wasn't the worst thing My jaw's still hurting Cause I held the words in.. You kept your pain To your stomach in knots. I understand Why you changed the locks. You'd seem to never get me. Or maybe I never let you. I felt you quick to resent me Or maybe I never asked you. My chest was bursting And that wasn't the worst thing My jaw's still hurting Cause I held the words in.. When you met me My heart was heavy They'd left me All alone And tend to forget me. When you met me My heart was heavy They'd left me All alone And tend to forget me. When you met me My heart was heavy They'd left me All alone And tend to forget me.
4.
Carried 04:14
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Every burden brought on by me This tidal wave will begin to recede And it's not over Or lost on me That I could swim to shore Before it swallows me. Steady.. Slow I held the pain close Steady.. Slow.. Just let the pain go. Carry me Until it's gone Carry me.. And we'll carry on. It buried me Long before dawn Carry me.. And we'll carry on. A vivid dream. Of a memory. The deepest sleep. These issues run deep. And I know.. I know.. I've got a ways to go.. Steady.. Slow I held the pain close Steady.. Slow.. Just let the pain go. Carry me Until it's gone Carry me.. And we'll carry on. It buried me Long before dawn Carry me.. And we'll carry on. A vivid dream. Of a memory. The deepest sleep. These issues run deep. Carry me.. And we'll carry on. It buried me Long before dawn Carry me.. And we'll carry on. Carry me.. Until it's gone. Carry me And we'll carry on. It buried me Long before dawn Carry me.. And we'll carry on. A vivid dream. Of a memory. The deepest sleep. These issues run deep. These issues run deep These issues run deep These issues run deep These issues run deep
5.
December Memories 04:58
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Sometimes I'm an ocean Too deep to dive And too far across Years of gauging their emotions I miss my old vices That would sooth my thoughts December memories.. Would you remember me? It's cold here in the dark.. I'm still under the stars I cant believe You forgot about me.. Most nights I am the living dead One too many thoughts Until you're fucked in the head To give your all You have to give your best To give your best You have to think like the rest Be overjoyed But under dressed Too sick to listen While feigning impressed. Oh, I'm lazy, they don't care I believe what they said. December memories.. Would you remember me? It's cold here in the dark.. I'm still under the stars I cant believe You forgot about me.. December memories.. Would you remember me? It's cold here in the dark.. I'm still under the stars I cant believe You forgot about me.. I wish I knew the meaning like you I wish I knew the distance back From a heart attack I wish I knew then That love is for all That your path is your own That you can slip and fall I wish I knew then That urgency is a game That you can waste your time And still find your way And that you can hold someone close Without choking on the pain Fearing their exit Or running away I wish I knew then What It all meant Wish I knew the distance back From a heart attack Wish I knew then Wish I knew then I would hurt all over again. I wish I knew then..
6.
Souvenirs 04:32
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What happened to my head When I was seeing red? It felt wrong. Your apartment furniture Has followed me for too long. But you came near me Cause you couldn't hear me You held on. But if you can't hear me Then you can't hear me We'll move on.. Just move on.. In my heart of hearts I folded. Always.. If only now They could've heard me out Or told me. If only.. So come near me Come near me Go.. In '94 On the kitchen floor And we ran home. I've held that fear Like a souvenir That you won me. So go near me, go near me I'm sorry I ran home. It's been a process To make some progress I'm sorry I ran home. In my heart of hearts I folded. Always.. If only now They could've heard me out Or told me. If only.. But you could beg to differ That it left me withered But at 105 I was still alive. Because once it had me I knew it had me I'll let you in If you leave me alive I still see it Every time I drink too much I still see it Every time I drink too much That October was a cold one I still smell it in the air And before it's even over I am drowning everywhere. I am drowning everywhere. I am drowning everywhere.
7.
Past Life- Daydream 04:56
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Wake me now While I'm still pressed for time. I was always wasted But I always waited.. You bled me out And left me dry. Count your blessings You made it out of there By the skin of your teeth And half alive. And these laments Stay a light year behind An August kiss in the rain With postpartum pain It seems.. I wore my voice out When I wore the words out I used to wear those clothes out Until something tore my heart out So please.. I still wear my hair down And I'll wear my heart out On the sleeve Of a jacket That my little brother has now. Six long weeks Yet I have no time. So I'll learn to speak With nothing on my mind. But still I see A memory Of the kitchen table And the snow outside. A flicker from the street light Who mattered then? They never did again. But I saw it flicker Just one more time Then you turned on me You turned on a dime. It seems.. I wore my voice out When I wore the words out I used to wear those clothes out Until something tore my heart out So please.. I still wear my hair down And I'll wear my heart out On the sleeve Of a jacket That my little brother has now. And all those dreary nights The cold always felt just right The bright future that I believed Was just a past life daydream And all those dreary nights The cold always felt just right The bright future that I believed Was just a past life daydream
8.
No Further Questions 04:14
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Overnight I'm aging And so outdated A decade suffocated And long past jaded. You know You'll feel better? If you just feel better No matter the course No matter the weather My former self Was still at arms length Full of shit And teenage angst But I built the debt So here's your pound of flesh Yeah, I left the nest So here's your pound of flesh I found my hurt Long ago by chance She was never my ghost Just some hag from my past And everywhere I'd go I was always typecast That scared baby boy With a nervous laugh My former self Was still at arms length Full of shit And teenage angst I held the blame Now I'm giving it away I suffered then And I suffered the weight I built the debt So here's your pound of flesh Yeah, I left the nest So here's your pound of flesh I have no answers Please no further questions. A few months at best Like you, I'm still guessing. To everyone, they know, I'm sure A fleeting memory worth the cure Apathetic To these pills I'm rejecting And I have no answers Please no further questions.
9.
All Is Forgiven 04:28
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I've waited so long For you to call I think you're forgiven. Through muddy trails We were heads and tails.. All is forgiven. That hole in my heart Would leak like a sieve I guess you never knew then So, there's no blame to give You were sure as hell To burn me out I'm sure you felt sorry That I never felt proud. I think I found What was burning me out You never said sorry While you'd watch me drown Locked away.. Deep down.. I'd been a ghost And life is for the living. Locked away.. Deep down.. The pain goes.. And I wonder if I'll miss it. I feel your pain On the edge of a Sunday Lets get back to beginnings. And brave harsh weather For one more season And regain What I've been missing. Last summer's blue pills Held the weight of the world So, you shouldered the load While I shouldered the guilt. You were sure as hell To burn me out I'm sure you felt sorry That I never felt proud. I think I found What was burning me out You never said sorry While you'd watch me drown Locked away.. Deep down.. I'd been a ghost And life is for the living. Locked away.. Deep down.. The pain goes.. And I wonder if I'll miss it. Free as a bird But in confinement I began to slip And enjoy the silence. Reclaim your hope If you're sure you can find it Redeem myself For the years passed by me.
10.
Home Videos 05:33
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I meant to tell you All I blocked out I was just a hair better Than a dropout. If you didn't notice before That was par for the course What would you expect If I gave anything more? The wrong time to wanna lash out And all my demons Were just hand me downs But I've made my peace And still I wish for yours A long time coming To finally feel reborn I know the words by heart For years they went unsaid But I've emptied every bottle Emptied every bottle Just to get outside my head. It's hard to feel Like I'm put back together That ride up north Was my love letter. To get to this point Had been so painstaking But those choices were hard And the outcome was aching. We know it more Than we ever thought we did Like those home videos And your magic tricks With memories on file To dig up once in a while Like the slip and slide When we were kids. I know the words by heart For years they went unsaid But I've emptied every bottle Emptied every bottle Just to get outside my head. Got so sick of those drunk negations With this growing list of medications So I've spent some time With you in mind Believing my eyes And not my imagination. It's not forgotten I had the things that I wanted Something burnt in our core But I don't blame you anymore. So let go..

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released February 9, 2023

All songs written by Rob Russell

Produced by Rob Russell and Jamie Tierney

Recorded and mixed by Rob Russell at Rearview Records

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Rob Russell New Jersey

Alternative Rock from the heart.

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